The Derivatives Market is Being Refinanced with Low-Load Option Assets!

Hope I'm not causing too much of a commotion, but I haven't seen this kind of pro forma cash run since the off-shore INTL commodities took 5% off the 26-indexed pace factor during Asia's mid-market capital trending!

Recommendations for all Awesomtown!!1!, LLC shareholders:

1) Dump load any excess positions with liquidity at a 68.6 basis (credit) value.
2) Reinvest (short/at a .9 last position) the bearing-area face value of your bond certs.
3) Table all mineral/electronic gauges within your emerging debt portfolios.
4) Calitate 54.7 percent/debits with 45//9.99 (last 56.0009)!!!!!

Yours,
Stan Stanley, Comptroller, Awesomtown!!1!, LLC

Meet the People of Awesomtown!!1!

Awe-Kward Moments with Bob

HI EVERYBODY!
I'm Bob Awe-kward of Awesomtown!!1!
I'm so glad to be given this column in the Awesomtown Times!. . . I think this will be a great place for me to help explain some of the difficult positions people find themselves in when they are around me, and/or vice-a-versa.
Let's Break the Ice:
Did anyone ever say the one about how my dog got caught in my lawnmower? HE SURE GOT IN TROUBLE THAT DAY!!! Ha ha ha . . -- wait, that's not how you say it. It's a joke. Lighten up!
ANYHOO, just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Bob Awe-kward! No worries (and when I say "no worries", I mean you shouldn't worry) about feeling awkward around me, cuz I'm sure to be awkwarder (haha, people are always saying, "that's just what [you] always say!")! I'm not afraid to be who I am, but others might be afraid of who they are when I am what I am.

To wit: Last summer I worked at the front desk at "Massage to Love" in the mini-strip mall on South Bleeker and Awesomtown!!1! Place (best foot massages in town!) and I developed a skin abrasion problem just after they hired me (methinks it was an allergic reaction to the brass polish I used to spiff up those poles in the bathrooms), and well, needless to say, I never learned the delicate art of kabuki (touch therapy) that summer.

Oh well! I'm Bob Awe-kward, ready and willing!
I can't begin to tell you how many times people have asked about my name.
Funny thing . . .

No Worries!
Bob Awe-kward of Awesomtown!!1!

Baker No Faker.

I have seen you asking yourself "Where does the Baker go at night? How come she never hangs out with us non-baker types?" The truth be told, the Baker of Awesomtown!!1! is actually a Baker. Next time you see her ask for a cupcake, she ALWAYS has cupcakes.

The Standards of Decency Be Damned

I must admit that I wasn't looking forward to the Danger Moustache game. In reality this game is the highlight of an already amazing season. This game was the kickball I remember, a decisive lack of skill combined with drunken, oafish banter and just the right amount of questionable morals. The after game Karaoke Dance Party as magnifacent also. I went home loving the Danger Moustache like I used to.

Now let's all take a closer look at the Danger Moustache's t-shirts. Brilliant!

Taunt :
Danger Moustache

Score :
Awesomtown!!1! - 10
Danger Moustache - 8

Got Some Given to Us.

Opening day was a circus. The excitement was visceral. The skits where on fire and the adult beverages were flowing.

Awesomtown!!1! came out strong in the taunt with some West Side Story synchronized dance moves. Solid gold. You looked fantastic, but how can you compete with a flaming spear.

The game was the best we have ever played. We had some new people on the field, you looked stunning. All of you!

Taunt:
Git Sum

Score:
Git Sum - 16
Awesomtown!!1! - 9

Awesomtown!!1! Opening.

Awesometown!!1! officially opened this Thursday with a ribbon cutting celebration. Many of the local residents came out to enjoy the festivities. The event was in trouble of being ruined when a band of disorderly Pirates invaded the J.J. Monroe Memorial Fairgrounds. It turns out the Pirates were extremely friendly and only added to the festive mood. I hope this is a lesson to us all.

Taunt:
Awesomtown!!1!

Score:
Pirates – 8
Awesomtown!!1! - 1

Git Sum Burned to Ground.

The Git Sum strip club burned to the ground yesterday in a torrent of flame and sequins. Firefighters were already at the scene because "Lucky" Lowell was having his bachelor party at the establishment. Mike, he didn't want to give his last name, says that the fire erupted when Candi Rappers was performing an enthralling lap dance with one of the firefighters. Moments later his pants burst into flames because of the heat caused by friction. Everyone escaped unharmed.