The Derivatives Market is Being Refinanced with Low-Load Option Assets!

Hope I'm not causing too much of a commotion, but I haven't seen this kind of pro forma cash run since the off-shore INTL commodities took 5% off the 26-indexed pace factor during Asia's mid-market capital trending!

Recommendations for all Awesomtown!!1!, LLC shareholders:

1) Dump load any excess positions with liquidity at a 68.6 basis (credit) value.
2) Reinvest (short/at a .9 last position) the bearing-area face value of your bond certs.
3) Table all mineral/electronic gauges within your emerging debt portfolios.
4) Calitate 54.7 percent/debits with 45//9.99 (last 56.0009)!!!!!

Yours,
Stan Stanley, Comptroller, Awesomtown!!1!, LLC

Meet the People of Awesomtown!!1!

Awe-Kward Moments with Bob

HI EVERYBODY!
I'm Bob Awe-kward of Awesomtown!!1!
I'm so glad to be given this column in the Awesomtown Times!. . . I think this will be a great place for me to help explain some of the difficult positions people find themselves in when they are around me, and/or vice-a-versa.
Let's Break the Ice:
Did anyone ever say the one about how my dog got caught in my lawnmower? HE SURE GOT IN TROUBLE THAT DAY!!! Ha ha ha . . -- wait, that's not how you say it. It's a joke. Lighten up!
ANYHOO, just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Bob Awe-kward! No worries (and when I say "no worries", I mean you shouldn't worry) about feeling awkward around me, cuz I'm sure to be awkwarder (haha, people are always saying, "that's just what [you] always say!")! I'm not afraid to be who I am, but others might be afraid of who they are when I am what I am.

To wit: Last summer I worked at the front desk at "Massage to Love" in the mini-strip mall on South Bleeker and Awesomtown!!1! Place (best foot massages in town!) and I developed a skin abrasion problem just after they hired me (methinks it was an allergic reaction to the brass polish I used to spiff up those poles in the bathrooms), and well, needless to say, I never learned the delicate art of kabuki (touch therapy) that summer.

Oh well! I'm Bob Awe-kward, ready and willing!
I can't begin to tell you how many times people have asked about my name.
Funny thing . . .

No Worries!
Bob Awe-kward of Awesomtown!!1!

Baker No Faker.

I have seen you asking yourself "Where does the Baker go at night? How come she never hangs out with us non-baker types?" The truth be told, the Baker of Awesomtown!!1! is actually a Baker. Next time you see her ask for a cupcake, she ALWAYS has cupcakes.

The Standards of Decency Be Damned

I must admit that I wasn't looking forward to the Danger Moustache game. In reality this game is the highlight of an already amazing season. This game was the kickball I remember, a decisive lack of skill combined with drunken, oafish banter and just the right amount of questionable morals. The after game Karaoke Dance Party as magnifacent also. I went home loving the Danger Moustache like I used to.

Now let's all take a closer look at the Danger Moustache's t-shirts. Brilliant!

Taunt :
Danger Moustache

Score :
Awesomtown!!1! - 10
Danger Moustache - 8

Got Some Given to Us.

Opening day was a circus. The excitement was visceral. The skits where on fire and the adult beverages were flowing.

Awesomtown!!1! came out strong in the taunt with some West Side Story synchronized dance moves. Solid gold. You looked fantastic, but how can you compete with a flaming spear.

The game was the best we have ever played. We had some new people on the field, you looked stunning. All of you!

Taunt:
Git Sum

Score:
Git Sum - 16
Awesomtown!!1! - 9

Awesomtown!!1! Opening.

Awesometown!!1! officially opened this Thursday with a ribbon cutting celebration. Many of the local residents came out to enjoy the festivities. The event was in trouble of being ruined when a band of disorderly Pirates invaded the J.J. Monroe Memorial Fairgrounds. It turns out the Pirates were extremely friendly and only added to the festive mood. I hope this is a lesson to us all.

Taunt:
Awesomtown!!1!

Score:
Pirates – 8
Awesomtown!!1! - 1

Git Sum Burned to Ground.

The Git Sum strip club burned to the ground yesterday in a torrent of flame and sequins. Firefighters were already at the scene because "Lucky" Lowell was having his bachelor party at the establishment. Mike, he didn't want to give his last name, says that the fire erupted when Candi Rappers was performing an enthralling lap dance with one of the firefighters. Moments later his pants burst into flames because of the heat caused by friction. Everyone escaped unharmed.

I Am A Tiger, ROAR!

Tiger Mel

San Diego Zoo: 1972-1986

Russian Circus Tour: 1987-1992

Cirque Du Soleil: 1993-1994

San Diego Wild Animal Park: 1994-2000

Woodland Park Zoo Volunteer: 2001-2004

Freelance "Street" Tiger: 2005- Current

Received Honoarable Mention in North Puget Sound's "Most Stripiest" Tiger Award in 2001 and 2003, Third Region.

Hobbies: Baking pies, attending children's birthdays.

References available upon request.

This month’s agenda for the Neighborhood Watch Patrol.

I want to thank everyone who attended last week’s Neighborhood Watch Patrol. We had a great turn out. Much better than the previous week’s attendance. As always, we welcome your input in the open forum at the end of the meetings, but remember that we are limited to 15 minutes, since we have to be out by 9pm for the knitting club. Keeping that in mind, I hope that Mr. Stanley, our Comptroller can provide handouts since the information he gives us, while very interesting, in dense and difficult to follow.

Also, no one has yet signed up for providing refreshments. We’re a hungry and thirsty crowd! LOL!

Our agenda this week will be as follows:

7:00 pm – Refreshments
7:15 pm – Review the previous months’ meeting.
7:30 pm – Discuss the graffiti on the stop sign at 4th St and Mulberry Ave.
8:00 pm – Stan Stanley will talk about his Home Budgeting Course in July.
8:30 pm – Discuss what to do with the Pirate infestation that is looming.
8:45 pm – Open Forum (please provide handouts if possible)

Thank you,

Vivian Moonshine,
Neighborhood Watch Patrol CoordinatorAwesomtown!!1!, USA

I Am Your Comptroller

Q1 financials are in!

25 past-due appreciated securities finally saw some strong post-fiscal results with an admittedly sub-standard 85.33 pLI rounding out the balance sheet.  25 forecasted on the 9s, but thankfully we only had to 33 five re-directed de-listed derivatives on the exchange.  523 reports were good. The offshore double recalculated on-the-mark barrier trades didn't hurt our position, but long-term depreciation schedules should see an uptick based on 23-5671.44/6098.  And 30+--67989003.55/438974:66 at a base conjunction of 4564.--8889677878!  Wow!

Respectfully submitted,

Stan Stanley, Comptroller, Awesomtown!!1!, LLC

Pirate Sightings on the Increase, People Outraged.

ARG You Ready?

Awesomtown!!1! is in a panic at what seems to be a new epidemic. Pirates! The scurvy dogs have invaded the once sleepy neighborhood of Slightly Meadows.

"We think the Pirates are attracted to Slightly Meadows because of it's world famous juice bars," said policeman Carl, "They crave vitamin C."

Officials have proposed a plan to contain the Pirates in Slightly Meadows. Councilwoman Large Marge reports that Awesomtown!!1! has not written off Slightly Meadows and will fight the Pirates everywhere they show their cutlasses.

The increase of Pirate and Pirate related activity in Awesomtown!!1! has some residents hopping mad.

"I can't throw a rock without hitting a freakin' Pirate" say Joe Snuggles, Jr, "It's getting ridiculous."

Could this turn into….

Cont. B12

Meet the People of Awesomtown!!1!

Clara is Here and You Better Know It.

Hi, I'm Clara, the It Girl of Awesomtown. Whatever "it" is, I've got It.

My hair always looks great, even when I've done nothing other than sleep on it all night.
My smile is always dazzling, even when it's withering (and I do give the most withering glances)
My outfits are cute and I always, always play in pearls.

Wherever I go, an amazing dance number is happening. Sometimes it is musical theatre. Sometimes it is hip hop. Clear fact of the matter is, I fall somewhere in-between class and raunch. But the clearer fact of the matter is, I couldn't care less what you think about it.

This is me.
Bam.

Photo by Mike Hipple

Meet the People of Awesomtown!!1!

Crazy-Eye Wilson, Mayor

Crazy-Eye Wilson is the mayor of Awesomtown!!1! Where did he come from? What makes him tick? Let's find out.

Crazy-Eye was born at the age of 3 to Mary Jo and Henry "Hank" Wilson in upstate South Dakota. He was an incredibly homely child with the pale wandering eyes of a mollusk. Originally named Dwight Eleanor Wilson he didn't get the moniker "Crazy-Eye" until he left home at age 14 to become a Hobo. Life hopping the trains agreed with Crazy-Eye and he quickly became a prominent figure among the itinerant population of North America. Crazy-Eye first came to Awesomtown!!1! in…

Cont. D7

Welcome to Awesomtown!!1!

Are you looking for a greener pasture? Are you left wanting with today's malaise? A new dawn is on the horizon and it is called Awesometown!!1! What you might not know is that Awesomtown!!1! is a place for everyone. Come downtown and meet Pressman or the Nihilist. Head over to the local coffee shop and join the discussion of environmental economics with the Comptroller and the Activist. Maybe a quite afternoon at the beauty salon with Jersey Girl is more your style. Awesomtown!!1! has it all, even a…

Cont. on A14